How to Solve Solveable Problems: Previous Experience

What I wish I knew 5 years ago: how to solve solvable problems in my relationships. There are problems in relationships that can be fixed, it just takes time and knowledge of them. To begin, you should soften your start up. This means that if you must bring up a problem, bring it up gently and calmly- do not use criticism, and instead complain about the issue. Instead of saying “you need to come home right after work because its so annoying that you’re never home,” you could say “do you think it would be possible if you could come home after work most days? I really miss spending time with you.” Instead of using “you-statements,” and finger pointing, you could use “I-statements.” This has happened multiple times to me in my previous relationship. Our fights would have harsh startups and it always seemed to end badly. We needed to be clear, polite, and appreciative, but we were everything but that. Next, you should have repair attempts. This could be a statement that deescalates the tension. This could either fix or make the fight worse, so you really have to acknowledge the start up. And finally, you have to sooth yourself and each other. This was another big problem my previous partner and I had. We needed to take a break after the fight, and each do our own thing, and then come back to each other almost feeling “refreshed.” Sometimes you just need time to think it over. These are some of the ways I learned to solve solvable problems in a relationship.