Four Horsemen and How They Played a Role in My Previous Relationship

In my previous relationship, all four of the “horsemen” played a role. The four horsemen include: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These are poor communication tactics, and can harm the relationship. Criticism is blaming, attacking the person’s character, and insulting them. This happened in my previous relationship when I showed up to my ex-boyfriend’s family event 5 minutes late. He verbally attacked me saying “you were supposed to be here 5 minutes ago. You could have even been early, but I know that will never happen because all you do is care about yourself. You’re too self-centered.” This caused me to be defensive. The next horsemen is defensiveness, which is defending yourself from criticism by making excuses, launching a counterattack, acting like an innocent victim, or whining. I confronted my ex-boyfriend about an issue we were having, like he was texting another girl, and he counterattacked me saying that boys will ‘snapchat’ me all the time, and basically shifting the blame on me. The next horsemen is contempt which is, mockery, sarcasm, eye rolling, facial expressions, and the intent to make someone feel stupid or foolish. This is the best predictor or divorce, and in my previous relationship, this was the most common horseman- which could have been why we broke up. I would say something to my ex and he would say something like “are you retarded? Why would you even ask something so stupid?” Another example, is if he heard something that he doesn’t want to hear he would either mock me or just sit there and roll his eyes. The last horsemen is stonewalling, actively engaging from a conversation. This has happened multiple times in my past relationship. I would bring up a topic and my ex would just watch tv or play on his phone and pretend like he wasn’t listening. It would drive me absolutely nuts! These are some examples of the Four Horsemen, that have occurred in my life. These are poor communication tactics, and in the future, I will know how to fix them and work through these issues.