How to Solve Solveable Problems: Previous Experience

What I wish I knew 5 years ago: how to solve solvable problems in my relationships. There are problems in relationships that can be fixed, it just takes time and knowledge of them. To begin, you should soften your start up. This means that if you must bring up a problem, bring it up gently and calmly- do not use criticism, and instead complain about the issue. Instead of saying “you need to come home right after work because its so annoying that you’re never home,” you could say “do you think it would be possible if you could come home after work most days? I really miss spending time with you.” Instead of using “you-statements,” and finger pointing, you could use “I-statements.” This has happened multiple times to me in my previous relationship. Our fights would have harsh startups and it always seemed to end badly. We needed to be clear, polite, and appreciative, but we were everything but that. Next, you should have repair attempts. This could be a statement that deescalates the tension. This could either fix or make the fight worse, so you really have to acknowledge the start up. And finally, you have to sooth yourself and each other. This was another big problem my previous partner and I had. We needed to take a break after the fight, and each do our own thing, and then come back to each other almost feeling “refreshed.” Sometimes you just need time to think it over. These are some of the ways I learned to solve solvable problems in a relationship.

Four Horsemen and How They Played a Role in My Previous Relationship

In my previous relationship, all four of the “horsemen” played a role. The four horsemen include: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These are poor communication tactics, and can harm the relationship. Criticism is blaming, attacking the person’s character, and insulting them. This happened in my previous relationship when I showed up to my ex-boyfriend’s family event 5 minutes late. He verbally attacked me saying “you were supposed to be here 5 minutes ago. You could have even been early, but I know that will never happen because all you do is care about yourself. You’re too self-centered.” This caused me to be defensive. The next horsemen is defensiveness, which is defending yourself from criticism by making excuses, launching a counterattack, acting like an innocent victim, or whining. I confronted my ex-boyfriend about an issue we were having, like he was texting another girl, and he counterattacked me saying that boys will ‘snapchat’ me all the time, and basically shifting the blame on me. The next horsemen is contempt which is, mockery, sarcasm, eye rolling, facial expressions, and the intent to make someone feel stupid or foolish. This is the best predictor or divorce, and in my previous relationship, this was the most common horseman- which could have been why we broke up. I would say something to my ex and he would say something like “are you retarded? Why would you even ask something so stupid?” Another example, is if he heard something that he doesn’t want to hear he would either mock me or just sit there and roll his eyes. The last horsemen is stonewalling, actively engaging from a conversation. This has happened multiple times in my past relationship. I would bring up a topic and my ex would just watch tv or play on his phone and pretend like he wasn’t listening. It would drive me absolutely nuts! These are some examples of the Four Horsemen, that have occurred in my life. These are poor communication tactics, and in the future, I will know how to fix them and work through these issues.

Benefits/Risks of Dating and Hooking-Up: Personal Examples

In today’s society, it’s acceptable for people to “hookup.” In my life, I have both been in relationships and have also hooked up. Speaking from experience, I’m going to go over the benefits and risks of both.

For dating, the benefits could be having someone to confide in, and feeling liked and love. In my personal opinion, it’s about having that “best friend.” With relationships, you also basically get another family. The risks of being in a relationship are getting hurting, having a broken heart, losing a friendship, and being rejected. The biggest risk for me would be getting hurt. In the past, I have been cheated on and lied to several times. Today, I feel scared to be in another relationship because of that. Another risk I would add is fighting. Fighting within relationships can lead to stress and anger.

Let’s move on the hooking up. Some benefits from hookups would be having no strings attached, it’s could be fun and exciting, that feeling of being wanted and desired, and feeling sexually gratified. I can personally speak on having it be fun and exciting. It’s something new, especially if you’re just getting out of a new relationship. A personal benefit I would add is having that person help you get over your previous relationship. Maybe all you needed was “closure” from the past, and the hookup potentially helped you. There are risks to hooking up however. The number one risk would be contracting an STI. For females, the biggest risk they think is wanting a relationship but the other person doesn’t. And basically the opposite, for men, it’s the other person that wants a relationship and not them. Personally, the biggest risk is getting a sexually transmitted disease, and possibly getting feelings for that person.

Those are just a couple benefits and risks in both being in a relationship and hooking up.

How Media/Sterotypes Can Negativly Affect Relationships and How It Relates to My Life

In today’s society, a lot of what we learn comes from the media, TV shows, and movies, and songs. I’m going to relate how women are portrayed/stereotyped in society and how it relates to my life. I’m going to relate it to Disney movies first. In Disney movies, the princesses are all physically attractive. The princesses are tall, unrealistically thin, long hair, and they don’t have flaws. They are always social, nice, caring, a good house wife, and they don’t work. They basically work for the husband. Also in Disney movies, the men are always muscular, tall, dark, and handsome. They are brave and courageous. The men or “Prince Charming,” always seems to save the day. Let’s do a reality check. Women are not perfect, and they are not made to just clean and cook and cater to the men. Women should not be unrealistically portrayed and neither should men. Men are not always strong, or brave, or save the day. In my life, I don’t need prince charming to make me happy. I cook and clean, but for myself. I’m not 90 pounds, I’m 140 which for my height and age, is a healthy weight. I have flaws, as does everyone else. I feel like stereotypes like these, influence relationships and allow us to have expectations and desires when looking for a relationship. Another example is how the media portrays both men and women. For example, there’s a Burger King ad that says “It’ll Blow…. Your Mind,” which a woman with her mouth open wide trying to fit the burger in. This allows men to look at women sexually, as objects. This could potentially give men/women the wrong idea and go into relationships negatively. This not only relates to my life, but everyone’s life as some point or another. If we have all these stereotypes, and unrealistic morals, we’re steering people negatively in the relationship world and giving them impractical expectations.